The Reasons

Go away,
If you will only open your lips to speak ill against me,
And not speak through your heart with compassion.

Go away,
If you will only look at me just like your adoring slave,
Instead of encouraging me to dream bigger and support my conviction to become the BEST.

Go away,
If you will only drag me down to your insecurities,
Making me feel that every mistake is all my fault.

Go away,
If you do not understand or do not have enough patience to deal with my sufferings,
I do not intend that you must suffer the same thing.

Go away,
If you think that you cannot accept me as I am.
My imperfections will only cut your skin and make it bleed.
It will turn down all your expectations.

Just plainly go away,
If you think that I am "the happiness" or I will provide you one.
I am not "the happiness" nor I am the answer to your life's major question.

But Stay,
If you think you can handle all my demons.
All these unbearable thoughts that I write at 3AM.

Stay,
If you think you can be weird and challenge yourself to tame a dragon for I am a furious being and a stubborn wild grass you can cut but still, I will grow back.

Stay,
If you invest to improve yourself and keep up with all my idealism and passion for learning.

Stay,
If you can listen to my long rants as if I can be an activist or a running political candidate that you should be inspired of or vote with.

Stay,
If you are willing to receive long handwritten letters or framed poetry which, you think may not good enough but appreciate the thought of me giving it to you anyway.

Just plainly stay,
If you think there is still a reason that will make you decide to stay..

This poem is dedicated to those people who are maybe confused about me. You have actually the right to go away or stay. If you think you cannot fully fathom me then, go away and leave me alone. But if you want to give me your tiniest benefit of the doubt then, stay and embrace my being.

-maricar alquizola | the reasons
12/30/2015 at 3:24am | MTA ©

Behind that Smile

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. I have been writing poetry and other sort of crap but I know some people wouldn't mind reading them or perceiving anything about it. I know there will be a few and not too many people will understand that every person that you see each day, the one you are making an eye to eye contact in the subway or on the street have been fighting for their own desperate battles. 

Now, I understand Filipinos have the happy-go-lucky persona. We laugh out our problems and we even resort to drinking alcohol, going to a sing-along performance at videoke bars or go have some foodtrips with friends. 

It is the untraceable "perfect smile" that we put on ourselves that hides all the pain and the disappointments that we have inside. 

BUT how about after all those laughters? How about after taking off the mask of that perfectly beautiful smile? How about if you want to talk to a specific person and he/she is not available for you? How do you usually unload something that others will understand every single feeling that has been bothering you and you yourself cannot even exactly comprehend. These are some questions that most people with depression will ask themselves and instead of telling their closest friends or families about what they are going through, they resort to just laugh it off or smile in every "how are you" questions you throw at them. 

Most of the people who have depression will try to hide what's going on with them because for one great reason, the fear of being misunderstood. Most people always relate their own problems with others, which is not totally applicable in most cases. You don't actually need to advice depressed people unless they wanted to. All they actually need is a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. 

Now, how do you react if a person comes to you and says, he/she wants to die. Please don't laugh about it as if the person who confided to you is just joking around (regardless if it's a half meant joke) because it takes a lot of guts for a depressed person to say that to another human being. Instead of reacting on it as a ridiculous thing, try to listen instead of why that person wanted to commit suicide. No matter how small the reason of his intention to commit the act never judge instead, let the person know that you care and that you don't want to lose his life because it is important to you. 

When a person message you out of nowhere, please don't ignore (unless if that person turn out to be a stalker or a criminal) because maybe that person needed someone to talk to at that moment in time and it might be that you are the saving graces for that person's down moments. Again, try to listen with less judgment but with more compassion. 

Bottom line is, be sensitive to every person that you meet each day. Like you (or if not), they also carry a heavy load in their heart and mind. Sometimes, it only takes another smile from you to lighten up their mood or it takes a little friendly conversation to let them realize that they matter to live one more day in the uncertainty of this vast universe. 

12/15/2015 at 7:15pm | MTA © 

This article also appeared in Rappler X blogsite.

INSOMIA

My pen is swaying and dancing like a ballerina in a musical show,
In a blank white smooth sheet of paper, it will perform,
Scribbling emotions of shattered dreams,
Like a glass who fell, scattered broken into pieces.

My mind is soaring deeply in the shadow of the dark,
Forgetting to bring its present logic in sanity,
The time of reason has withdrawn on this part of the story,
It has emptied whatever thoughts to be impart.

My heart is beating so fast like racing cars,
Wanted to hit the home run after it came into full circle many times,
To drift with the pain and serious melancholy like a cat who loudly meowed but was only heard,
It never give up to catch the race of time and space..

My body is suffering like a dead meat forcing its mobility,
Tired muscles will stretch like a rubber band showcasing its elasticity,
Breaking bones that sounded like bended bamboo trees blown by the wind,
Exhausted spirit, waiting for the eyes to shut, for dreams to begin..

INSOMNIA by maricar alquizola
12/04/2015 at 1:01am | MTA ©

Ang Pusong Nanlalamig

Wright Park, Baguio City   

Pumunta ako sa Baguio upang magbakasyon,

Nagsawa na ako sa aking buhay sa syudad, 

Kung saan sobra ang init at alikabok sa daan,

Kaya nagpakalayo ako at naglakbay sa isang mahabang biyahe.

Pagdating ko sa City of Pines ay dama ko na ang malamig na simoy ng hangin,

Ang paligid na napapalibutan ng mga mabeberdeng puno,

Mga hardin kung saan makikita ang mga namumukadkad na mga bulaklak.

Pero bakit ganoon? 

Bakit hindi ko magawang maging masaya?

Giniginaw ang aking buong katawan pero mas nilalamig ang puso ko,

Para bang may yelo na nakasabit sa aking dibdib at hinahanap ang init ng iyong pagmamahal,

Ang init ng mahigpit mong yakap sabay sabi na ako ay iyong sinisinta.

Bakit ganito ang lamig na nararamdaman ko?

Tagos sa puso hanggang buto na para bang hindi ako makagalaw,

Sana pala ay hindi na ako naglakbay sa malamig na lugar na ito,

Sana ay naglakbay ako sa isang lugar na makakapagbigay init sa nilalamig kong puso.

Pinilit kung lakarin ang kahabaan ng Session Road,

Nagbabakasalali na ang lamig sa loob ng dibdib ay mag-init at mapawi,

Ngunit hindi kayang magpawis sa malamig na panahon,

Hindi kayang painitin muli ang puso na naninigas na sa lamig,

Dahil sa paglisan ng nag-iinit mong pag-ibig!

-maricar alquizola 

12/04/2015 at 1:05am | MTA © 

THE GIFT

Photo taken during Cafe Laya's Art Session 

I wake up one day,
Falling in love with all the words,
The thougths that come out in my head.

Creating harmony in my mind,
Like music that plays in my eardrums,
A fire that warms the deepest of my heart.

Destiny calls for passion,
It lingers every time and wherever,
Like my soul is entwine for this forever..  

-maricar alquizola
12/05/2015 at 7:54am | MTA ©

HE WHO CRAVES THE FLESH

She saw the moon reflecting the night sky,
It lit the dark road to an alley to the unknown,
He hold her hands and led her to a cold place,
Her mind hesitated but the heart wanted to risk.

He strip off all that covered her entire body,
Blood racing so high with breathlessness,
He devour her like a hungry and thirsty beast,
Leaving nothing but an exhausted scared emotional prey.

Satisfying gratification of the trembling muscle,
It made her question her sanity, was it all worth it?
To be whole naked and exposed her entire being,
In the strangeness of him, who lust for the flesh but not for the soul..

-maricar alquizola
12/02/2015 at 2:13PM | MTA ©

Restless in the Dark

A sudden burst of anger,
Those flaming eyes,
Close pressed lips,
Face flashing red.
Rapidly the mouth speaks,
Humiliation of dignity,
Shouting of profanity,
Voice cursing aimlessly!
Hands are reaching for punches,
For slapping the face,
For choking the neck,
It tears the flesh to bleed.

A body trembling cold,
Frighten deeply beyond  its bones,
Waiting for the unthinkable moment,
Wishing to cease before it begins.
A scene of disgust,
Pity and confusion,
Fighting is an option,
But the spirit is weak.
What to do now?
Let oneself go or stay?
Shame will be for others to know,
It should be hidden in the shadows.

My dear beloved, let it go..
The universe may be a vast of uncertainty,
There is no guarantee of forever joy,
Yes, you can start anew.
Be brave little soul,
No more pain inside or bruises outside,
Let the violence come to its end.

For the body may heal all the pain inflicted,
The heart may start to forgive,
The mind may try to forget,
And the spirit may be whole again.
Yes, your existence is more important,
Love it before others,
Live it harmlessly,
Now is the time to seek refuge,
Speak courageously,
Stand for the rights firmly,
Let the others come out from hiding,
Let it be known that you are in control,
Bring back the glow and vigor of life!

-maricar alquizola
11 /26/2015 at 5:12pm | MTA ©

This poem is an inspiration for all those who are fighting against domestic and other forms of violence against women and children.

A LETTER TO YOUR HEART

I planned to send you a long letter
Written in twelve long paragraphs
Saying all my deepest desires
Provoking all the thoughts inside.

A week after i made my first draft
I erased the part in which I asked,
If you miss me or think about me
If you regret losing me as a friend.

A week after i re-read the long letter
I erased the part in which I asked,
If your broken heart had been fixed
If you somehow forget about her.

After reviewing the long letter again
I omitted the part about my thoughts,
That I'm missing our long conversations
The thrill that we felt when we first met.

And so, i end up writing a brief letter
A very heartfelt letter for you to know
I remember you each time I breathe,
I do recall your voice inside my head.

I know you will be reading this letter
It took me awhile to write and rewrite
I never thought it would be hard enough
To write such letter straight to your heart.

-Maricar T. Alquizola
11/12/2015 at 11:21pm | MTA ©

Tiwala Pinas, Ako ang Pag-Asa!

Tiwala Pinas, Ako ang Pag-asa! is a political talk held yesterday November 30, during the celebration of the Bonifacio Day at the Singson Hall of Ateneo de Manila Grade School headed by the Ateneo Task Force 2016 led by Mauie Doque. It was a meaningful event with a line up of brilliant speakers from various sectors of young government servants, an economist and a coach from the World Bank, a politician from the poorest municipality in Mindanao whom created change against political dynasty, lots of laughter from the performances of two comedians, brainstorming with the #dearfuturepresident segment, singing and dancing from a talented violinist and many more mind stirring experience.

The talk started with a performance from Ateneo Glee Club and followed by a thought-provoking question, WHAT HURTS YOU THE MOST? Is it the traffic? Is it the poor facilities in MRT/LRT? Is it the corruption of some of our government officials? Is it the lack of education of the poor? The question strikes because what hurts you the most, may actually of the same feelings with others. These collective sentiments may be put as one so that we may be able to fathom a solution to each.

Now the talk runs a whole day period and I cannot discuss all of its content but I will write an overview for some of the speakers that I think their topic is essential especially in the upcoming election next year.

Bahala na si Batman! The famous Filipino expression when a person doesn’t know what to do next.  As the opening speaker, Mr. Bryan Giron, a History Professor of Ateneo de Manila University emphasize about how we, Filipinos usually put the burden of our decision making and supposed to be action to each of our problems and our responsibility as a citizen to fate or to other people. The irony is, Batman is just merely a character of movies and stories. It does not actually help us fix things aside from its unrealistic views of changing the world. So in the end, instead of relying to Batman to fix our raging problems, why wouldn't we start to fix it ourselves? Think and move.

For me, this sounds really harsh especially when you are a Batman fan but we, Filipinos are too trusting about others doing the job for us or relying the work to be done through luck. So the question is, why do we start doing it ourselves? Simple things matter like doing the things that we are supposed to do every day. For example, instead of relying for the metro aid to clean our streets, why don't we keep our trash and throw it in the right place. Start small and consistent. It will go a long way to create change.

Another essential topic is the passion to change the system for good governance and cutting the thread of a 40-year old political dynasty. This was presented by Mayor Flora Villarosa. A Cebuana who came home to her birthplace in Siayan Zamboanga del Norte to be able to help the poorest rank municipality in the entire Philippines. When an episode of a documentary-video of Biyaheng Totoo by Kara David about Siayan before the mayor became elected six years ago was shown to us, you will shed some tears due to the lost of hope that the people of Siayan felt from the government and even themselves. Poverty at its finest that you can contemplate and appreciate the value of even the tiniest thing that you have right now.

After five years, when Kara David made another visit to the place and after Mayor Villarosa was elected to the position. You cannot even believe yourself how much change happened to the entire place. It just warms your heart to see and realized that change can be done with good governance and the passion to serve the poor. A mayor who offers her entire salary to be given to her constituents just for them to achieve living on their goal of having access to food, health, education and a lot more. What an inspiration to those who want to lead a very depressing area.

Other major topic also is about the young servants of our government. How serving the government made a good impact to them by being able to strive with the ideology of helping and promoting good will to our country. As Ken Abante, from the Department of Finance said, as a young servant, I am able to realize the goals that I dreamed before I became a government employee. So this is a great opportunity for young servants like me to polish a sector of the government by reinventing it while serving the masses. By being aware of the change that I can do for the people and actually can somehow do something about it is a new form of activism, by being inside the organization than being outside in it.

I truly realized that we should stop generalizing the people of the government because not all of them actually are corrupt, stupid and incompetent. I know I am one guilty of the general term but somehow, hearing the sentiments of our young public servants who were activists, political leaders and other humanitarian volunteers in their previous life before serving the government. I think we should also give them the benefit of the doubt. I agree, working in the government is challenging in terms of morality and integrity. Let's still hope that these new young breed of brilliant public servants will live to its idealism until the end.

I think, those are some of the things I would like to share with regard to the event but actually, there were a lot of great speakers who speak and had proven their point with the issues pertaining to the problems being face by our country. One thing that I know for sure, let's all not lose hope and trust. Let's hold on to what little hope and trust we can give for our country. Let us also realize that we are about a 100-million population in the entire archipelago and only around 1.4 million government employees are in service. If we only rely in the change our government can do for us, then we are doomed. I hope let us also try to begin the change within our own.

Lastly, I would like to thank Ateneo de Manila University specifically to the Ateneo Task Force 2016 for coming up with the event for free from the admission up to giving the audience free lunch and snacks. Being able to have the initiative to do such thing is one way of paving the way of the youth to its rightful path. I hope there will be more open talk of this kind in the future.

-maricar alquizola

12/01/2015 / MTA ©