A Strange Room

I am in love with all that I see
Words don’t come so easily
My heart speaks in silence
My thoughts are soaring high.

I am thinking of classic characters
Mr. Darcy or perhaps Dorian Gray
Classical piano music playing
As I dance with all honesty.

I will embrace and get lost
For I will enjoy the present
As if tomorrow will have its end
I will laugh until I am teary eyed.

I will lay down my body slowly
Gently I will calm my mind
I will think of nothingness
Oh, come on! Dream visit me.

I will open my eyes fascinated
Engulfing positivity to reality
Mind, body and heart celebrates
This life is blessed with lovely gifts.

By maricar alquizola | a strange room
01/10/2016 at kff foundation guest room 12:39pm | copyright MTA

Never Ever

Do not give up.
Remember the good memories you had in your childhood days,
You, crossing and walking at the bridge with the sea scented wind blowing sofly on your face,
Riding at the back of your grandfather's bike,
The very first man closest to your heart,
Sailing with him on his small fishing boat that he made out of the craftsmanship of his hand,
Singing at the church's Christmas play like a true child diva,
Running naked around the street while soaking yourself with the heavy downpour of the falling rain,
There are endless beautiful moments to hang on..

Do not give up.
Even when you lost all your hope when your grandmother died,
Remember that you were able to stand still,
You convert yourself to become a strong girl,
You promised to yourself that you will achieve better things in life.
When you were abused,
When you were neglected,
When you tried killing yourself for the first time at age fifteen but did not die anyway,
Remember that you were able to pick up all the pieces of yourself,
You tried to cover up all those lonely days with a happy face,
It is your laughter on a weary day that made people thought you are strong,
It is your peculiar story that inspired them,
You are the bravest soul than anyone can ever imagine.

Do not give up.
Remember that when you succeeded in completing your college studies,
It was the first greatest achievement you had in your life.
Your first heart break was an emotional disaster,
It took you two years to fully recover,
Still you were able to overcome all the pain.
You were able to find fancy jobs,
Meet unexpectedly wonderful people,
Learn from various intelligent mentors,
You experienced being on top and in control,
You are lucky enough to enjoy some amazing things.

Do not give up.
When you suddenly decided to fulfill your other bigger dreams,
Pursuing something that is both meaningful for you and to the world,
It may confused you now with all the things being handed into your own plate,
You may feel discourage of not being able to do everything that you wanted,
Remember to believe more in yourself,
To get by with your demons inside,
To stay focus on your true calling.
You have all what it takes to beat the odds,
You are your own destiny,
Always remember to never ever give up!

Never Ever is the last poem I've written for this year 2015. I wrote this to inspire myself and others who are drifting apart in the darkness. Those who are confuse and suffering from depression and/or other mental illnesses. May 2016 will bring us a new hope and new beginnings. Let the light shine upon the darkness.

-maricar alquizola | never ever
12/31/2015 at 1: 35am | MTA ©

The Reasons

Go away,
If you will only open your lips to speak ill against me,
And not speak through your heart with compassion.

Go away,
If you will only look at me just like your adoring slave,
Instead of encouraging me to dream bigger and support my conviction to become the BEST.

Go away,
If you will only drag me down to your insecurities,
Making me feel that every mistake is all my fault.

Go away,
If you do not understand or do not have enough patience to deal with my sufferings,
I do not intend that you must suffer the same thing.

Go away,
If you think that you cannot accept me as I am.
My imperfections will only cut your skin and make it bleed.
It will turn down all your expectations.

Just plainly go away,
If you think that I am "the happiness" or I will provide you one.
I am not "the happiness" nor I am the answer to your life's major question.

But Stay,
If you think you can handle all my demons.
All these unbearable thoughts that I write at 3AM.

Stay,
If you think you can be weird and challenge yourself to tame a dragon for I am a furious being and a stubborn wild grass you can cut but still, I will grow back.

Stay,
If you invest to improve yourself and keep up with all my idealism and passion for learning.

Stay,
If you can listen to my long rants as if I can be an activist or a running political candidate that you should be inspired of or vote with.

Stay,
If you are willing to receive long handwritten letters or framed poetry which, you think may not good enough but appreciate the thought of me giving it to you anyway.

Just plainly stay,
If you think there is still a reason that will make you decide to stay..

This poem is dedicated to those people who are maybe confused about me. You have actually the right to go away or stay. If you think you cannot fully fathom me then, go away and leave me alone. But if you want to give me your tiniest benefit of the doubt then, stay and embrace my being.

-maricar alquizola | the reasons
12/30/2015 at 3:24am | MTA ©

Behind that Smile

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. I have been writing poetry and other sort of crap but I know some people wouldn't mind reading them or perceiving anything about it. I know there will be a few and not too many people will understand that every person that you see each day, the one you are making an eye to eye contact in the subway or on the street have been fighting for their own desperate battles. 

Now, I understand Filipinos have the happy-go-lucky persona. We laugh out our problems and we even resort to drinking alcohol, going to a sing-along performance at videoke bars or go have some foodtrips with friends. 

It is the untraceable "perfect smile" that we put on ourselves that hides all the pain and the disappointments that we have inside. 

BUT how about after all those laughters? How about after taking off the mask of that perfectly beautiful smile? How about if you want to talk to a specific person and he/she is not available for you? How do you usually unload something that others will understand every single feeling that has been bothering you and you yourself cannot even exactly comprehend. These are some questions that most people with depression will ask themselves and instead of telling their closest friends or families about what they are going through, they resort to just laugh it off or smile in every "how are you" questions you throw at them. 

Most of the people who have depression will try to hide what's going on with them because for one great reason, the fear of being misunderstood. Most people always relate their own problems with others, which is not totally applicable in most cases. You don't actually need to advice depressed people unless they wanted to. All they actually need is a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. 

Now, how do you react if a person comes to you and says, he/she wants to die. Please don't laugh about it as if the person who confided to you is just joking around (regardless if it's a half meant joke) because it takes a lot of guts for a depressed person to say that to another human being. Instead of reacting on it as a ridiculous thing, try to listen instead of why that person wanted to commit suicide. No matter how small the reason of his intention to commit the act never judge instead, let the person know that you care and that you don't want to lose his life because it is important to you. 

When a person message you out of nowhere, please don't ignore (unless if that person turn out to be a stalker or a criminal) because maybe that person needed someone to talk to at that moment in time and it might be that you are the saving graces for that person's down moments. Again, try to listen with less judgment but with more compassion. 

Bottom line is, be sensitive to every person that you meet each day. Like you (or if not), they also carry a heavy load in their heart and mind. Sometimes, it only takes another smile from you to lighten up their mood or it takes a little friendly conversation to let them realize that they matter to live one more day in the uncertainty of this vast universe. 

12/15/2015 at 7:15pm | MTA © 

This article also appeared in Rappler X blogsite.

INSOMIA

My pen is swaying and dancing like a ballerina in a musical show,
In a blank white smooth sheet of paper, it will perform,
Scribbling emotions of shattered dreams,
Like a glass who fell, scattered broken into pieces.

My mind is soaring deeply in the shadow of the dark,
Forgetting to bring its present logic in sanity,
The time of reason has withdrawn on this part of the story,
It has emptied whatever thoughts to be impart.

My heart is beating so fast like racing cars,
Wanted to hit the home run after it came into full circle many times,
To drift with the pain and serious melancholy like a cat who loudly meowed but was only heard,
It never give up to catch the race of time and space..

My body is suffering like a dead meat forcing its mobility,
Tired muscles will stretch like a rubber band showcasing its elasticity,
Breaking bones that sounded like bended bamboo trees blown by the wind,
Exhausted spirit, waiting for the eyes to shut, for dreams to begin..

INSOMNIA by maricar alquizola
12/04/2015 at 1:01am | MTA ©

Ang Pusong Nanlalamig

Wright Park, Baguio City   

Pumunta ako sa Baguio upang magbakasyon,

Nagsawa na ako sa aking buhay sa syudad, 

Kung saan sobra ang init at alikabok sa daan,

Kaya nagpakalayo ako at naglakbay sa isang mahabang biyahe.

Pagdating ko sa City of Pines ay dama ko na ang malamig na simoy ng hangin,

Ang paligid na napapalibutan ng mga mabeberdeng puno,

Mga hardin kung saan makikita ang mga namumukadkad na mga bulaklak.

Pero bakit ganoon? 

Bakit hindi ko magawang maging masaya?

Giniginaw ang aking buong katawan pero mas nilalamig ang puso ko,

Para bang may yelo na nakasabit sa aking dibdib at hinahanap ang init ng iyong pagmamahal,

Ang init ng mahigpit mong yakap sabay sabi na ako ay iyong sinisinta.

Bakit ganito ang lamig na nararamdaman ko?

Tagos sa puso hanggang buto na para bang hindi ako makagalaw,

Sana pala ay hindi na ako naglakbay sa malamig na lugar na ito,

Sana ay naglakbay ako sa isang lugar na makakapagbigay init sa nilalamig kong puso.

Pinilit kung lakarin ang kahabaan ng Session Road,

Nagbabakasalali na ang lamig sa loob ng dibdib ay mag-init at mapawi,

Ngunit hindi kayang magpawis sa malamig na panahon,

Hindi kayang painitin muli ang puso na naninigas na sa lamig,

Dahil sa paglisan ng nag-iinit mong pag-ibig!

-maricar alquizola 

12/04/2015 at 1:05am | MTA © 

THE GIFT

Photo taken during Cafe Laya's Art Session 

I wake up one day,
Falling in love with all the words,
The thougths that come out in my head.

Creating harmony in my mind,
Like music that plays in my eardrums,
A fire that warms the deepest of my heart.

Destiny calls for passion,
It lingers every time and wherever,
Like my soul is entwine for this forever..  

-maricar alquizola
12/05/2015 at 7:54am | MTA ©