A Strange Room

I am in love with all that I see
Words don’t come so easily
My heart speaks in silence
My thoughts are soaring high.

I am thinking of classic characters
Mr. Darcy or perhaps Dorian Gray
Classical piano music playing
As I dance with all honesty.

I will embrace and get lost
For I will enjoy the present
As if tomorrow will have its end
I will laugh until I am teary eyed.

I will lay down my body slowly
Gently I will calm my mind
I will think of nothingness
Oh, come on! Dream visit me.

I will open my eyes fascinated
Engulfing positivity to reality
Mind, body and heart celebrates
This life is blessed with lovely gifts.

By maricar alquizola | a strange room
01/10/2016 at kff foundation guest room 12:39pm | copyright MTA

Never Ever

Do not give up.
Remember the good memories you had in your childhood days,
You, crossing and walking at the bridge with the sea scented wind blowing sofly on your face,
Riding at the back of your grandfather's bike,
The very first man closest to your heart,
Sailing with him on his small fishing boat that he made out of the craftsmanship of his hand,
Singing at the church's Christmas play like a true child diva,
Running naked around the street while soaking yourself with the heavy downpour of the falling rain,
There are endless beautiful moments to hang on..

Do not give up.
Even when you lost all your hope when your grandmother died,
Remember that you were able to stand still,
You convert yourself to become a strong girl,
You promised to yourself that you will achieve better things in life.
When you were abused,
When you were neglected,
When you tried killing yourself for the first time at age fifteen but did not die anyway,
Remember that you were able to pick up all the pieces of yourself,
You tried to cover up all those lonely days with a happy face,
It is your laughter on a weary day that made people thought you are strong,
It is your peculiar story that inspired them,
You are the bravest soul than anyone can ever imagine.

Do not give up.
Remember that when you succeeded in completing your college studies,
It was the first greatest achievement you had in your life.
Your first heart break was an emotional disaster,
It took you two years to fully recover,
Still you were able to overcome all the pain.
You were able to find fancy jobs,
Meet unexpectedly wonderful people,
Learn from various intelligent mentors,
You experienced being on top and in control,
You are lucky enough to enjoy some amazing things.

Do not give up.
When you suddenly decided to fulfill your other bigger dreams,
Pursuing something that is both meaningful for you and to the world,
It may confused you now with all the things being handed into your own plate,
You may feel discourage of not being able to do everything that you wanted,
Remember to believe more in yourself,
To get by with your demons inside,
To stay focus on your true calling.
You have all what it takes to beat the odds,
You are your own destiny,
Always remember to never ever give up!

Never Ever is the last poem I've written for this year 2015. I wrote this to inspire myself and others who are drifting apart in the darkness. Those who are confuse and suffering from depression and/or other mental illnesses. May 2016 will bring us a new hope and new beginnings. Let the light shine upon the darkness.

-maricar alquizola | never ever
12/31/2015 at 1: 35am | MTA ©

The Reasons

Go away,
If you will only open your lips to speak ill against me,
And not speak through your heart with compassion.

Go away,
If you will only look at me just like your adoring slave,
Instead of encouraging me to dream bigger and support my conviction to become the BEST.

Go away,
If you will only drag me down to your insecurities,
Making me feel that every mistake is all my fault.

Go away,
If you do not understand or do not have enough patience to deal with my sufferings,
I do not intend that you must suffer the same thing.

Go away,
If you think that you cannot accept me as I am.
My imperfections will only cut your skin and make it bleed.
It will turn down all your expectations.

Just plainly go away,
If you think that I am "the happiness" or I will provide you one.
I am not "the happiness" nor I am the answer to your life's major question.

But Stay,
If you think you can handle all my demons.
All these unbearable thoughts that I write at 3AM.

Stay,
If you think you can be weird and challenge yourself to tame a dragon for I am a furious being and a stubborn wild grass you can cut but still, I will grow back.

Stay,
If you invest to improve yourself and keep up with all my idealism and passion for learning.

Stay,
If you can listen to my long rants as if I can be an activist or a running political candidate that you should be inspired of or vote with.

Stay,
If you are willing to receive long handwritten letters or framed poetry which, you think may not good enough but appreciate the thought of me giving it to you anyway.

Just plainly stay,
If you think there is still a reason that will make you decide to stay..

This poem is dedicated to those people who are maybe confused about me. You have actually the right to go away or stay. If you think you cannot fully fathom me then, go away and leave me alone. But if you want to give me your tiniest benefit of the doubt then, stay and embrace my being.

-maricar alquizola | the reasons
12/30/2015 at 3:24am | MTA ©

Behind that Smile

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. I have been writing poetry and other sort of crap but I know some people wouldn't mind reading them or perceiving anything about it. I know there will be a few and not too many people will understand that every person that you see each day, the one you are making an eye to eye contact in the subway or on the street have been fighting for their own desperate battles. 

Now, I understand Filipinos have the happy-go-lucky persona. We laugh out our problems and we even resort to drinking alcohol, going to a sing-along performance at videoke bars or go have some foodtrips with friends. 

It is the untraceable "perfect smile" that we put on ourselves that hides all the pain and the disappointments that we have inside. 

BUT how about after all those laughters? How about after taking off the mask of that perfectly beautiful smile? How about if you want to talk to a specific person and he/she is not available for you? How do you usually unload something that others will understand every single feeling that has been bothering you and you yourself cannot even exactly comprehend. These are some questions that most people with depression will ask themselves and instead of telling their closest friends or families about what they are going through, they resort to just laugh it off or smile in every "how are you" questions you throw at them. 

Most of the people who have depression will try to hide what's going on with them because for one great reason, the fear of being misunderstood. Most people always relate their own problems with others, which is not totally applicable in most cases. You don't actually need to advice depressed people unless they wanted to. All they actually need is a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. 

Now, how do you react if a person comes to you and says, he/she wants to die. Please don't laugh about it as if the person who confided to you is just joking around (regardless if it's a half meant joke) because it takes a lot of guts for a depressed person to say that to another human being. Instead of reacting on it as a ridiculous thing, try to listen instead of why that person wanted to commit suicide. No matter how small the reason of his intention to commit the act never judge instead, let the person know that you care and that you don't want to lose his life because it is important to you. 

When a person message you out of nowhere, please don't ignore (unless if that person turn out to be a stalker or a criminal) because maybe that person needed someone to talk to at that moment in time and it might be that you are the saving graces for that person's down moments. Again, try to listen with less judgment but with more compassion. 

Bottom line is, be sensitive to every person that you meet each day. Like you (or if not), they also carry a heavy load in their heart and mind. Sometimes, it only takes another smile from you to lighten up their mood or it takes a little friendly conversation to let them realize that they matter to live one more day in the uncertainty of this vast universe. 

12/15/2015 at 7:15pm | MTA © 

This article also appeared in Rappler X blogsite.

INSOMIA

My pen is swaying and dancing like a ballerina in a musical show,
In a blank white smooth sheet of paper, it will perform,
Scribbling emotions of shattered dreams,
Like a glass who fell, scattered broken into pieces.

My mind is soaring deeply in the shadow of the dark,
Forgetting to bring its present logic in sanity,
The time of reason has withdrawn on this part of the story,
It has emptied whatever thoughts to be impart.

My heart is beating so fast like racing cars,
Wanted to hit the home run after it came into full circle many times,
To drift with the pain and serious melancholy like a cat who loudly meowed but was only heard,
It never give up to catch the race of time and space..

My body is suffering like a dead meat forcing its mobility,
Tired muscles will stretch like a rubber band showcasing its elasticity,
Breaking bones that sounded like bended bamboo trees blown by the wind,
Exhausted spirit, waiting for the eyes to shut, for dreams to begin..

INSOMNIA by maricar alquizola
12/04/2015 at 1:01am | MTA ©

Ang Pusong Nanlalamig

Wright Park, Baguio City   

Pumunta ako sa Baguio upang magbakasyon,

Nagsawa na ako sa aking buhay sa syudad, 

Kung saan sobra ang init at alikabok sa daan,

Kaya nagpakalayo ako at naglakbay sa isang mahabang biyahe.

Pagdating ko sa City of Pines ay dama ko na ang malamig na simoy ng hangin,

Ang paligid na napapalibutan ng mga mabeberdeng puno,

Mga hardin kung saan makikita ang mga namumukadkad na mga bulaklak.

Pero bakit ganoon? 

Bakit hindi ko magawang maging masaya?

Giniginaw ang aking buong katawan pero mas nilalamig ang puso ko,

Para bang may yelo na nakasabit sa aking dibdib at hinahanap ang init ng iyong pagmamahal,

Ang init ng mahigpit mong yakap sabay sabi na ako ay iyong sinisinta.

Bakit ganito ang lamig na nararamdaman ko?

Tagos sa puso hanggang buto na para bang hindi ako makagalaw,

Sana pala ay hindi na ako naglakbay sa malamig na lugar na ito,

Sana ay naglakbay ako sa isang lugar na makakapagbigay init sa nilalamig kong puso.

Pinilit kung lakarin ang kahabaan ng Session Road,

Nagbabakasalali na ang lamig sa loob ng dibdib ay mag-init at mapawi,

Ngunit hindi kayang magpawis sa malamig na panahon,

Hindi kayang painitin muli ang puso na naninigas na sa lamig,

Dahil sa paglisan ng nag-iinit mong pag-ibig!

-maricar alquizola 

12/04/2015 at 1:05am | MTA © 

THE GIFT

Photo taken during Cafe Laya's Art Session 

I wake up one day,
Falling in love with all the words,
The thougths that come out in my head.

Creating harmony in my mind,
Like music that plays in my eardrums,
A fire that warms the deepest of my heart.

Destiny calls for passion,
It lingers every time and wherever,
Like my soul is entwine for this forever..  

-maricar alquizola
12/05/2015 at 7:54am | MTA ©

HE WHO CRAVES THE FLESH

She saw the moon reflecting the night sky,
It lit the dark road to an alley to the unknown,
He hold her hands and led her to a cold place,
Her mind hesitated but the heart wanted to risk.

He strip off all that covered her entire body,
Blood racing so high with breathlessness,
He devour her like a hungry and thirsty beast,
Leaving nothing but an exhausted scared emotional prey.

Satisfying gratification of the trembling muscle,
It made her question her sanity, was it all worth it?
To be whole naked and exposed her entire being,
In the strangeness of him, who lust for the flesh but not for the soul..

-maricar alquizola
12/02/2015 at 2:13PM | MTA ©

Restless in the Dark

A sudden burst of anger,
Those flaming eyes,
Close pressed lips,
Face flashing red.
Rapidly the mouth speaks,
Humiliation of dignity,
Shouting of profanity,
Voice cursing aimlessly!
Hands are reaching for punches,
For slapping the face,
For choking the neck,
It tears the flesh to bleed.

A body trembling cold,
Frighten deeply beyond  its bones,
Waiting for the unthinkable moment,
Wishing to cease before it begins.
A scene of disgust,
Pity and confusion,
Fighting is an option,
But the spirit is weak.
What to do now?
Let oneself go or stay?
Shame will be for others to know,
It should be hidden in the shadows.

My dear beloved, let it go..
The universe may be a vast of uncertainty,
There is no guarantee of forever joy,
Yes, you can start anew.
Be brave little soul,
No more pain inside or bruises outside,
Let the violence come to its end.

For the body may heal all the pain inflicted,
The heart may start to forgive,
The mind may try to forget,
And the spirit may be whole again.
Yes, your existence is more important,
Love it before others,
Live it harmlessly,
Now is the time to seek refuge,
Speak courageously,
Stand for the rights firmly,
Let the others come out from hiding,
Let it be known that you are in control,
Bring back the glow and vigor of life!

-maricar alquizola
11 /26/2015 at 5:12pm | MTA ©

This poem is an inspiration for all those who are fighting against domestic and other forms of violence against women and children.

A LETTER TO YOUR HEART

I planned to send you a long letter
Written in twelve long paragraphs
Saying all my deepest desires
Provoking all the thoughts inside.

A week after i made my first draft
I erased the part in which I asked,
If you miss me or think about me
If you regret losing me as a friend.

A week after i re-read the long letter
I erased the part in which I asked,
If your broken heart had been fixed
If you somehow forget about her.

After reviewing the long letter again
I omitted the part about my thoughts,
That I'm missing our long conversations
The thrill that we felt when we first met.

And so, i end up writing a brief letter
A very heartfelt letter for you to know
I remember you each time I breathe,
I do recall your voice inside my head.

I know you will be reading this letter
It took me awhile to write and rewrite
I never thought it would be hard enough
To write such letter straight to your heart.

-Maricar T. Alquizola
11/12/2015 at 11:21pm | MTA ©

Tiwala Pinas, Ako ang Pag-Asa!

Tiwala Pinas, Ako ang Pag-asa! is a political talk held yesterday November 30, during the celebration of the Bonifacio Day at the Singson Hall of Ateneo de Manila Grade School headed by the Ateneo Task Force 2016 led by Mauie Doque. It was a meaningful event with a line up of brilliant speakers from various sectors of young government servants, an economist and a coach from the World Bank, a politician from the poorest municipality in Mindanao whom created change against political dynasty, lots of laughter from the performances of two comedians, brainstorming with the #dearfuturepresident segment, singing and dancing from a talented violinist and many more mind stirring experience.

The talk started with a performance from Ateneo Glee Club and followed by a thought-provoking question, WHAT HURTS YOU THE MOST? Is it the traffic? Is it the poor facilities in MRT/LRT? Is it the corruption of some of our government officials? Is it the lack of education of the poor? The question strikes because what hurts you the most, may actually of the same feelings with others. These collective sentiments may be put as one so that we may be able to fathom a solution to each.

Now the talk runs a whole day period and I cannot discuss all of its content but I will write an overview for some of the speakers that I think their topic is essential especially in the upcoming election next year.

Bahala na si Batman! The famous Filipino expression when a person doesn’t know what to do next.  As the opening speaker, Mr. Bryan Giron, a History Professor of Ateneo de Manila University emphasize about how we, Filipinos usually put the burden of our decision making and supposed to be action to each of our problems and our responsibility as a citizen to fate or to other people. The irony is, Batman is just merely a character of movies and stories. It does not actually help us fix things aside from its unrealistic views of changing the world. So in the end, instead of relying to Batman to fix our raging problems, why wouldn't we start to fix it ourselves? Think and move.

For me, this sounds really harsh especially when you are a Batman fan but we, Filipinos are too trusting about others doing the job for us or relying the work to be done through luck. So the question is, why do we start doing it ourselves? Simple things matter like doing the things that we are supposed to do every day. For example, instead of relying for the metro aid to clean our streets, why don't we keep our trash and throw it in the right place. Start small and consistent. It will go a long way to create change.

Another essential topic is the passion to change the system for good governance and cutting the thread of a 40-year old political dynasty. This was presented by Mayor Flora Villarosa. A Cebuana who came home to her birthplace in Siayan Zamboanga del Norte to be able to help the poorest rank municipality in the entire Philippines. When an episode of a documentary-video of Biyaheng Totoo by Kara David about Siayan before the mayor became elected six years ago was shown to us, you will shed some tears due to the lost of hope that the people of Siayan felt from the government and even themselves. Poverty at its finest that you can contemplate and appreciate the value of even the tiniest thing that you have right now.

After five years, when Kara David made another visit to the place and after Mayor Villarosa was elected to the position. You cannot even believe yourself how much change happened to the entire place. It just warms your heart to see and realized that change can be done with good governance and the passion to serve the poor. A mayor who offers her entire salary to be given to her constituents just for them to achieve living on their goal of having access to food, health, education and a lot more. What an inspiration to those who want to lead a very depressing area.

Other major topic also is about the young servants of our government. How serving the government made a good impact to them by being able to strive with the ideology of helping and promoting good will to our country. As Ken Abante, from the Department of Finance said, as a young servant, I am able to realize the goals that I dreamed before I became a government employee. So this is a great opportunity for young servants like me to polish a sector of the government by reinventing it while serving the masses. By being aware of the change that I can do for the people and actually can somehow do something about it is a new form of activism, by being inside the organization than being outside in it.

I truly realized that we should stop generalizing the people of the government because not all of them actually are corrupt, stupid and incompetent. I know I am one guilty of the general term but somehow, hearing the sentiments of our young public servants who were activists, political leaders and other humanitarian volunteers in their previous life before serving the government. I think we should also give them the benefit of the doubt. I agree, working in the government is challenging in terms of morality and integrity. Let's still hope that these new young breed of brilliant public servants will live to its idealism until the end.

I think, those are some of the things I would like to share with regard to the event but actually, there were a lot of great speakers who speak and had proven their point with the issues pertaining to the problems being face by our country. One thing that I know for sure, let's all not lose hope and trust. Let's hold on to what little hope and trust we can give for our country. Let us also realize that we are about a 100-million population in the entire archipelago and only around 1.4 million government employees are in service. If we only rely in the change our government can do for us, then we are doomed. I hope let us also try to begin the change within our own.

Lastly, I would like to thank Ateneo de Manila University specifically to the Ateneo Task Force 2016 for coming up with the event for free from the admission up to giving the audience free lunch and snacks. Being able to have the initiative to do such thing is one way of paving the way of the youth to its rightful path. I hope there will be more open talk of this kind in the future.

-maricar alquizola

12/01/2015 / MTA ©

How Maturity Shape my Views of Friendship

All the years of hard work and a lot of activities. I remember when I was in college, I will wake up at 6am to work on my police report news assignment in a reputable news company in Cebu, go to school at 230pm and rush for my part-time job at a gaming cafe at 7pm. I usually go home at 3am or sometimes those medical students who were addicted of playing ragnarok and warcraft will beg me to extend my shift until 4am to 5am so that they can play more and they will either pay my cab's fare, buy me some yummy food in a 24-hour restaurant/coffee shop or sent me home via their own car. I miss those med students, I hope all of them really made it to becoming a doctor. 

Over the weekend, I have like an extra "raket" with some of my friends who knew an ad agency that provided a one-day modeling promo job for a certain newly released product. So I became a promo model, production assistant on certain events like mtv gigs and a lot more and I ushered/assisted local and foreign concerts. I made some huge money in all those extra jobs. When you are independent and away from your family's support especially financially, you will do anything that will make you survive one day at a time. Even if you have to sacrifice the sleeping part. 

Even with so much activities, I still have to attend a weekend scholar meeting, cook dinner for my boss in my scheduled day and do some filing of legal documents every Sunday. I was able to insert in my schedule, a band meeting and organizing of punk/hardcore gigs, tree planting and feeding program activities. I still have time to hangout with some peer groups over beer or coffee. Do some extra discussion with my radical friends talking about politics (on ousting Erap at that time), societal and environmental causes. 

I have so much going on all over me that when I go to a mall or hangout elsewhere, there's always someone who would smile at me, call my name and even ask my number. Then, I will be amused why they knew me at all. I will ask myself, was it in my charismatic organization, the local music scene, the magazine or student body organization at school or other universities or was it an old colleague in elementary or high school, a client in the gaming cafe, my co-intern or staff in the newspaper or advertising company, or just an acquaintance in an event I've worked with. I really had a thing of forgetting people's names, I usually only remember faces. It was crazy, I mean I had my fair share of popularity with all those activities and organizations I am part of. It was actually boosting my confidence. When you're young and having a lot of friends, being popular is such an added bonus to your personality. 

Now, that I am in my 30's and looking back a decade ago, I never knew I wanted to slow down my pace in life and not care about people anymore. I think as you become a grown up person, you will stop caring about being popular or gaining validation from other people. Instead, you will be the one to choose who among those people you knew will stay and make it to your coffee or dinner table at the end of the day. You become an intimate person and you kinda learn about the value of having your stand in the principle of privacy. That's the great lesson, I understand now. 

Maybe, if Facebook was a thing in the past, I would probably exceeded the number of friend request in my account but I think, it's doesn't matter anymore. What's more vital in life are those people who stick around for the past three decades of my life. Having more friends is one of the greatest joys in one's heart but not having all these people at the lowest part of your life or abandoning you when you badly needed them is the worst part of all.

I say to the young people now, enjoy the hype of making more friends and enjoying each and everyone of them but as you mature you will realize that you don't actually need more, only enough. Only those who never left you at any point in your life. Only those who never forget to greet you on your birthday even without Facebook notifications. Only those who stubbornly stick on your nose even if they knew you don't need them or you are just too stubborn to let them know that you really do. Only those whom you will say, "leave me alone" yet comes back to you holding some bottle of beer, two cups of coffee or a DVD in their hands because they knew that you never really wanted to be alone and you actually needed a company. Stay with those people and you will receive the priceless gift of friendship. 

-maricar alquizola 

11/26/2015 | MTA © 

Buwan at Bituin

      Photo from www.freewallpaperfullhd.com


Habang naglalakad sa dalampasigan,
Aninag ko ang liwanag ng nakangiting
buwan,
Naalala ko ang mga ngiting tila ba,
Di pa rin nawawagli sa aking isipan.

Nakapaligid sa gitna ng kadiliman,
Ang mga kumukuti-kutitap na bituin,
Tila ba mga mata na nagniningning,
Habang kausap ka tungkol sa mga
hilig na sining.

Ang buwan na para bang sinusundan,
Mga yapak ko sa mabatong daanan,
Sana ay nakatingan ka sa kalawakan,
Para iisa ang tingin natin sa kasalukuyan.

Ang mga bituin na nagpapapansin
Inaakit ako sa taglay nilang kinang
Sana'y nakikita mo din sila kung saan
ka man,
Dahil sa bawat bituin sa iyong paningin,
Ikaw ang aking hiling at panalangin.

-maricar t. alquizola
11/23/2015 at 7:19pm | MTA ©

THE WORTH (A poem for every woman in the world)

Photo by Clanch Dayve Belleza ©

Woman, if you look at yourself 

in the mirror,

Do not just look at your face

Imagining, Jennifer Lawrence.

Close your eyes and sink into

the innermost part of your heart,

For beauty never lies only,

In what the eyes long to behold,

It is in your inner smile that

synchronizes what you feel,

This will resonate you beyond 

that pretty little face.

Woman, if you ever touch your 

own body, 

Do not desire to look at the others 

For you have your own curves,

Your shape is uniquely ensemble 

Created perfectly to suit you. 

However, if you seek improvement 

Do it as a matter of your own choice,

Not because you saw some random 

girl in the magazine,

Looking sexy, like a girl in your calendar 

or a girl who foolishly uses her body 

for fame.

Woman, if you ever love someone 

Do not mistake his words to be 

your comfort, 

His appreciation as your beauty,

His kiss as your assurance that 

he loves you more than anything.

This might be just like a splash 

of waves in the ocean, 

A burst out feeling that neither 

you nor him can understand.

Instead, feel your heart and ask

your mind,

It may argue to each own reasons, 

Yet you have to take things slow.

For once a man have gotten you 

to warm his body,

It will be easier for him to 

confuse you, 

Do not be enslave with all those 

metaphors.

And if, the urge of the flesh prevail, 

If he will blame you for quenching 

his lust while you express your love,

For accomplishing the only thing

that he wishes to get from you, 

Do not be shattered with what you

will call later a "mistake"

Pick up the pieces within you,

Show him how wrong he has been.

Woman, your soul may wander

from time to time, 

You should not allow someone 

to take it away from you.

Choose your battles and stand 

for your worth,

Let it be known that it is okay to

stumble down, to commit mistakes,

It is okay to make the wrong decisions.

Yet, remember that you have the 

strength to pursue your dreams, 

You have the courage to fight for 

what is right.

Finally, be patient and loving with

your beloved self,

You will always be a constant work 

in progress,

But YOU.. you will go on and on..

You will become the BEST!  

 by maricar t. alquizola

11/07/2015 at 12:56am | MTA © 

MONSTERS & WHISPERS

Trees swaying gracefully outside
Empty streets paving the long way
Colorful flowers blooming vibrantly
Cold fresh wind blowing all around.

Silence is a treat for a peaceful mind
Warm smiles tickles the inner heart
Short conversation lightens the mood
Easy laughter brightens the weary day.

Evil thoughts are whispering foolishly
Furiously reaching to swallow the inside
Seeking to win sorrow over happiness
Eating all what good intentions being left.

Struggling from the monsters in keeping alive
Wishing it will be gone for eternity to survive
Conspiring the universe to let it all disappear
Replace melancholy with a sweet life for real.

-Maricar T. Alquizola
11/12/2015 at 10:46pm | MTA ©

RUG AND SHOE

I am a spotless rug in the door step,
Yes, i serve to clean all those who
will enter the doorway,
You can use me whenever you can,
My purpose is to collect dust and dirt.

I am a shoe, use to travel everywhere,
Each time i am being used to walk in
pavements, in muds and elsewhere,
I can never complain for my purpose,
Destiny calls me to comfort the feet.

I  am the house rug and here comes
the shoe,
It will kiss me when it touches my fully
round cotton made sheet,
I would not mind getting all the dirt as
long as at the end of the day,
It will make the shoe happy to be dust-
free from the road it has been..

I am a shoe and I'm coming home,
It will be my joy to see the house rug
that accepts me of how dirty I am,
It would be my pleasure to touch its
fine cottony cloth,
Without the rug's selfless kindness,
My dirt will always be within me,
It fills my heart with such delight,
How the rug chooses to sacrifice
just for me..

-maricar alquizola
11/09/2015 at 1:28am | MTA ©

Befriending the Wolves!

It has been two months but with all honesty, it's been going on for awhile and forever since I was a kid. This depression has been taking a toll in my life. I remember writing about it last summer of 2014 and more years ago in every season that it visited me. It's a disease that I'm trying to deny yet, still haunting me each time, either triggered with some circumstances or suddenly arrives in my temple just like death. Only that I am suffering while I am still alive and it does not end anything thoroughly nor have someone remember me in my death bed crying or regretting on why they have not showed compassion in me while I am still able to enjoy their company.

The days have been so heavy. It's like waking up is a nightmare and sleeping is a safe haven. Most of the time, I am walking like a zombie. Trying to smile to all the people I meet around me or trying to have an interesting conversation with someone smart or considerate enough to catch up with my oozing and weird ideas. It came to the point that I don't understand myself anymore. What I want and what I really am. Remorse, melancholy or nothing at all, is what I am feeling. I tried crying it all out for a week, a month or so. It doesn't go away. The evil inside me is whispering, full of negative thoughts every time. It is scary to fight my own demons. Telling me to jump off the rooftop building, slash my wrist or take a whole bottle of medicine. Just to give finality to all the unfamiliar feelings that have been bothering me for eternity.

I am trying to get better. At least I wanted to. Each time I feel the joy of people being thoughtful or giving me loving attention either physically or emotionally, it never made me fully happy. There's always something being stuck in my chest. It's like I'm having a heart attack. A panic of anxiety. It is because the feeling of affection is very overwhelming from others and never knowing if it will last long. It's hard to hold on to something that I wanted to feel most of the time, only to realize that it never made up to myself for a longer-term. It unfailingly leave me with some longing and exhausted emotions.

For now, my relapse is all coming back and keeping me in touch with my inner self. This made me think that I have to befriend all these awful creatures inside me. I have to learn to speak within and calm them. Hopefully, we can respect both our boundaries. Call me crazy and yet, I am or I may not. I don't have more ways now to pacify such dangerously peculiar thoughts than making it as my bestfriend. Perhaps, it will make me go further in living my bittersweet life and hoping that it will not betray me in the end.

-Maricar T. Alquizola
11/13/2015 at 3:18pm | MTA ©

WAIT AND SEE

(by maricar alquizola)

I love it when i run out
of thoughts
or words
It is because i am slowly
Leaving your memories.

I love it when i am numb
Everytime i hear a song
A music that resonates you
It is because I am almost over.

I love it when i read your book
I run my fingers through each word,
Flip its fine pages
Feel the characters, not you
My heart has slowly let you go.

I want to think that you are sad
You miss me in some way
When you read my poem
You will say,
She's talking about me!

Yes, it is you that i am pertaining to
I miss you in a gazillion ways
Rushing feelings that i haven't felt
For more than a decade,
It is you who awakens my soul.

But this illusion has to purposely end
It will be a huge risk to proceed
You'll always be part in the deepest
Of my heart, my soul and my mind.

Please don't be mad if i totally let go
If i choose to love myself over you
If I will hate your memories for awhile
This is just me coping up the regret
Of losing you and those chances..

Your silence now is so deafening
I can't even hear the echo of my own voice
Your unwritten words in the blank page
Makes me feel like a fool, waiting in vain.

So yes, finally i am not going to bother
Pushing myself to the limit of holding on
You may think that i am insignificant
A familiar face you see in your bed side
I'm going to prove to you that I am not.

One day, when you wake up in the morning
You will think of my laughter and weirdness
You'll going to wish of my unconditional love
You will seek my unbeatable listening skills
You will long for my focus of attention
Which you did not give when we sometimes
speak over the dinner or dessert table.

It's alright, i know i am replaceable
Yes, for now you may think i am
Yet, i am simply peculiar in a way
Wait and see, you will look for me..
Seek for the kindness i am born with.

11/03/2015 at 10:43am | MTA ©

BITAW NA

(by maricar alquizola)

Tara na sa hinaharap
Hayaan mo nang lumaya
Ang puso mong nagsawa
Bitaw na.

Taposin mo na lahat
Iwagli na sa iyong alaala
Mga bagay na wala ng halaga
Bitaw na.

Huwag ka nang umasa pa
Baka ikaw pa ay magdusa
Sa iyong mga maling akala
Bitaw na.

Di ba sinabi na niya?
Isa ka lang sa kanila
Kaya hindi ka naging iba
Bitaw na.

Bakit mo pa pahihirapan
Ang iyong sarili kaibigan
Mahalaga ka ba talaga sa kanya?
Kaya, sana bitaw na.

Dadaan ang maraming taon
Dadating din ang panahon
Na ikaw ay muling babangon
Bitawan mo na, oo bitaw na!

10/25/2015 at 7:28am | MTA ©

TIME TRAVEL

(by maricar alquizola)

The years between the both of us
Made you wished that somehow
It should be just as near as it is
Yet, so far from the very start..

You always say that you enjoy
Every conversation, every laughter
You don't usually do what you're doing
I am an exception, you see my kindness.

You wish we are in the same time-line
You see me as your partner in crime
 Someone who can understand weirdness
All the voices inside your brilliant mind.

For some few nights, you keep on thinking
Of me traveling from my time to yours
If you could only build a time machine
You would have wanted to, just for me.

The WHY's haunt us until we look up
To the vast universe, why it has to be?
Why it has to be US?
Such beautiful feelings come to waste
Just wishing, perhaps in another life..

10/30/2015 at 12:19am || MTA ©