I am writing this blog post to be able to share to others how to
relate or understand a child or a friend's mind or behavior with regard to a
situation of having a broken family. This is based on my experience and every
family situation may vary with every individual. So I do not speak in general
terms.
To give you a short background about me, I grow up with my
grandparents and lived with them until I was 12. My parents were separated when
I was two years old. At first, I thought they were my biological parents until
I reach elementary when I realized they weren't my actual parents.
My mom got married to another guy when I was eight years old
while my dad worked abroad. I used to call my mother, "auntie"
and not "mama" because she wasn't comfortable about me calling her
such name especially when she had her new family. Maybe I wasn't comfortable
calling her mom as well at that time because I didn't feel that she's my mom,
too.
My dad came back to the Philippines from Saipan USA when I was
eleven years old. I thought we could live as a happy family with my younger
brother but to my surprise he also announced to us that he's getting married.
Now, all my world as a child had turn upside-down and it made me hate them in
an immature way since at a young age, it was too much for me to be left out
from both of them (my parents).
Some dilemma a child/individual with a broken home usually struggled
upon as experienced:
LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE. Yes, so many people during my
elementary/high school days will say I am confident maybe because I talk a lot
but I am not. I admit I became a bully at one point in my life to boost my self-confidence.
I thought by threatening others I can have more strength outside than what I
don't have inside.
ATTENTION SEEKER. This is hard to admit now but when
I was a child, I wanted to be the best in everything I do. Maybe because I want
my parents to notice me and I want others to know that even if they don't see
my parents at PTA meetings, school affairs such as quiz bee, etc. I still have
my own definition of myself. Well, I worked for how many years to be the best
that I could be until college but not a single word that I heard from my
parents or even a pat in my shoulder that they're proud of me. I think I am
just an unlucky kid.
SCARED OF BEING ABANDON. When my grandmother died when I was
12 years old, it literally shattered my whole world. It made me question God
about how He took such a precious person in my life. Ever since then, I weep in
the thought of losing close friends. I get jealous if a close friend of mine
does make close contact with others. Though, as I mature I was able to let go
of this trait but yeah, I was a possessive friend.
COMMITMENT/TRUST ISSUES. In relation of me being abandon. I
was scared of being committed to others, too especially if related to emotional
aspects. It was my sole dream to graduate college and have a degree and vow to
myself that I will not get into a relationship until I am closer to my dream.
That is why it took me some time to commit to a certain long term relationship.
During high school days, I am just too scared when I see some guy gets
interested in me. If my crush turned out to like me I literally find a way to
make him stay away from me. I started dating at the age of 19 when some of my
friends got into the dating game as early as age 14. It took me sometime to
trust others but yes, until now I am still cautioning a bit. I still carry some
protective shield unless you have proven yourself to me.
IDENTITY CRISIS. Well, this has been a teenage issue
I know most people doesn't know about me. But since, I don't have much
knowledge about my mom and I grow up in different places with different types
of people and environment. I get to question what I really am and what do I
really want. It was the scariest part in my teenage life trying to prove myself
and the worst feeling ever was that my parents weren't there to talk to me
about my fears of losing or embracing myself. Thank you universe, I was able to
manage that self-issue.
SUICIDAL TENDENCIES. I know some people cannot relate to the feeling of looking to a
happy family eating together in a restaurant or at home during Christmas,
birthdays, etc while I get to sit alone in a corner seeing their happy faces
realizing that it will never happen to my own family. It hurts especially
during the younger days when I seek to belong to a home or family. You tend to
question why me of all people has to suffer. I am not a bad person either and I
slept crying on my birthdays, new year's eve, graduation events, etc. Hoping
that one day those picturesque scene in my dreams will come true. So I tend to
feel vulnerable and depressed that one night I hid a kitchen knife under my pillow
because I want to stab myself at the middle of the night or one time during
college when I got to my place so happy because I got the highest grade from my
thesis defense and I had nobody to talked to about my victory. I ended up
crying on a rooftop with a beer and standing still as if I wanted to jump with
the city view watching over me. But then again, I was strong enough to handle
myself. I just hope every depressed child will be as lucky as I did.
HATE OF PROMISES. This one is what I don't really want
to hear. When I get the feeling that my parents sort of pity me and they made
some awesome promises but it turned out that they didn't do anything to fulfill
those promises and didn't even made up for it. What a shitty thing! That is why
I don't listen to promises. I only believe it when it's done.
LACK OF GUIDANCE. When I was a teenager, I have so
many questions that I am supposed to ask to my parents yet they weren't there
for me. So I chose to discover it for myself asking friends or get to be closer
to their moms. It was hard to try things by myself and what made it harder was
that when I made so many mistakes I thought I will not be able to stand up or
nobody will be able to pick me up in my lowest point.
A REBEL. I just don't know how many rules I broke before because I feel
the urge of breaking it. When I was a teenager, it felt like I am in control
every time I broke rules but then again, there were rules that I broke because
I had to. I am not justifying my actions but it's for a cause. For example, I
broke a scholarship rule of not having a job while studying but I cannot help
it. I need more money to sustain myself. So I keep a night job hidden for a
month until I honestly speak with my benefactor regarding it. I'm just glad
that my benefactor allowed me as long as my grades will be well maintained.
HARD ON OTHERS/ONESELF. Well, I'll admit. I could be hard
to other people or myself especially when it comes to work related and personal
matters. I prefer less mistakes and I always believe that prevention is better
than cure. I am a hard to please person as well. I'm just thankful that some of
my colleagues, close friends and loved ones are able to understand that part of
myself or at least.
And here's some strength of a child/individual despite having a
broken home as observed by some family and friends:
GOAL ORIENTED. When I was 12 after grandma died, I
told myself. I will go far in life. I will go forward in life no matter what. I
will pursue my studies. Maybe I am lucky enough to be able to think of such
goals at an early age. It was an eye opener.
DECISION DRIVEN. During the time that I get to make my
own decisions because I don't have my parents to asked for. It's a tough choice
that I had to make. And even now, I decide what I want and what I do not want.
I am not scared about it because I've been through a lot and I don't care.
Though sometimes during my younger years, I wonder what it feels to have
parents whom you'll be able to ask advice with or to confide about something
personal.
INDEPENDENT. Oh boy, when my stepmom wants me
out of my father's house when I was 17. It was a decision that's very hard to choose
but I was able to stand to it. Being independent was such a fulfilling
experience except that it's harder when I got sick. I had to crawl to the
kitchen to cook my own food and had to call a friend or a relative to buy me
some medicine. It's when I wished someone was there to take care of me such as
a parent. It's the time of my life that I pity myself.
STRONG-WILLED. Yes, it's because my heart was
hurting most of the time and probably I don't want other people to think that I
am weak. So I stay strong for myself and for my dreams. This never happened to
me overnight but it takes a lot of time and courage to wake up each day and be
thankful for my opportunities such as my scholarships, good friends and other
people that made me realize my worth as a person.
SPONTANEOUS. While others are afraid of the
future or what will happen to them. I am not afraid of whatever life has to
offer. Maybe I'd just say "bring it own!"
STREET SMART. This does not only mean that I know
every corner of every places but it just means, I can be comfortable or can be
a cameo at any places at a given time. I am not afraid to explore.
OPEN MINDED. I am open to any thoughts, people and
things around me. I don't want to limit myself because I live my life in a
diverse environment. So I keep an open mind to anything that goes my way.
Except that if it's not my thing, you cannot force me to side on you. I will
only respect your choices.
THOUGHTFUL. It doesn't mean, I have to give gifts
all the time though, I give gifts to those who are close to me. Yes, I always
wanted to remember birthdays and other events. Growing up with only few people
usually remembered my birthday and seldom to have a celebration. So I always
wanted to remember birthdays to be able to make up for myself.
PAYING IT FORWARD. I always feel the responsibility of
giving something to other people like for example my time or my knowledge.
Whatever the things that I am capable of giving or the form of help that I can give,
I do make sure I can.
LOVE TO ONESELF. One thing that a survivor like me
discovered from the torments of my broken self was to be able to love myself.
It took me awhile to realize that loving oneself is one of the keys to have a
better meaning of life and not blaming it on other people. I remembered what my
foster father and scholarship benefactor, Dr. Kenneth Erik Kennerhoff told me
during one of my personal talk session with him in his office. "No one can
ever love yourself like you do. If you blame your unhappy life with your
parents, chances are you're doomed. They only have few years left in their
lifetime and you have a long way to go." So slowly after that realization, day
by day I am embracing in loving myself above all my own interests, my love for
others and the full universe.
So if you come across with some people from a broken family.
Take it easy with them. They may be struggling with their own personal battles
but it doesn't mean that they aren't strong enough to handle it. Just be there
all the way for them so that they won't lose hope and always remind yourself to
be kind.
Yes, to those who are reading this post now and currently in my
past situation. Just hold on out there. Believe in yourself that you will be
able to overcome all that you have been right now. You are not alone in this
experience and trust that somehow your battle will end just like anyone else.
Be patient and have the courage to keep the best version of being you.
